I am a romantic at heart. A die-hard one.
I'm that person that believes that if you love hard enough, you can work everything out. That love can last forever. That no matter the obstacle, love will prevail. And that every pot has its lid.
And now I want to know: where's my freakin' lid?
I have been in love - really in love - twice in my life. I finally experienced what I had been dreaming of for so many years, and had it torn away. Okay...I can handle that; it will be a life lesson for me. At least I know that I can feel that way, and that someone can feel that way about me. I took the lesson and moved on.
But here I am, in my late thirties, with three (beautiful, amazing) children who are on their way to adulthood. I know that means that soon enough I will really be on my own, perhaps without anyone to share my life with. That should be okay...but I really hope it isn't that way. I want my lid.
So, I plunged into the dating pool. Plenty of Fish worked for me (I found my second love there), but those gems are few and far between. I'm thirty-seven but look younger, so most of the guys who attempt to contact me are younger, and often only want one thing. They don't try very hard after they find out that I'm ancient and have three kids. Plus, I want someone with emotional maturity. Haven't found him yet (even in the "older" guys).
Suffice it to say I am discouraged. I have been for a while, but today, I have reached my limit. It's bad enough that I received multiple messages filled with photographs from a would-be suitor's genitals (at full mast, lined up next to a Coke can for size comparison), or that I went on a date with someone who felt compelled to tell me that he only had one testicle, or that one gentleman with whom I had a succession of dates still managed to get my name wrong by the end of the fourth one. Any one of those scenarios might be discouraging (and amusing, especially when I shared all the photographs with my girlfriends at work), but my date today took the cake.
He was a nice guy. I met him in the conventional way, which I was excited about; I`ve really been complaining about not meeting guys anywhere but online, and finally I met someone out in the real world who found me interesting enough to ask for my phone number! Hurrah! A few days passed and he didn`t call, and I decided that if it was meant to be, he would...and finally, on Day Four, he did (is that some kind of guy rule?). We arranged to meet for coffee today, and it was nice. I thought he seemed like a good guy and was enjoying his company. Until I Googled him and discovered that he confessed to murder over a decade ago.
Yes, you read that right: MURDER. As in someone is no longer living and my coffee date admitted to having been the one who made that happen. This is not some guy with only one testicle or someone forgetting my name. This is a sign to me that it's time to stop. There may or may not be someone out there for me, but I'm going to stop looking, at least for now. And I know that there could be extenuating circumstances and that leopards can change their spots - I mean, obviously he didn't get sent to jail, because he has a successful company that's been running for five years now - but I am just not comfortable, as a Christian single mother, bringing that into our lives. He also made it clear to me that he is not interested in a relationship, and tried to kiss me several times, despite my stating clearly that "I will not be a booty call" and "I will not kiss you on the first date". I want a relationship. I also don't want to have to get whiplash angling away from overly persistent lips or have to literally bend over backward to extricate myself from overly amorous arms. So I'm done. For now.
It's time to take a break. Let my heart heal from my last breakup (yup, that recent love that I mentioned, who could possibly take more than a few dates with other guys to move past), focus on school and the kids, enjoy being single and not dealing with "txty"-type messages ("U r hot lets hookup") or being judged for how I look. Maybe after 365 days without a date I will find I am content without a partner. Maybe I'll be so frustrated I'll jump on the first guy who comes along. Or maybe, somewhere along the way, I'll find that guy who will really be my perfect partner. If he can wait out the year for me, that is...
Fasten your seatbelts...it could be a bumpy ride.