270 Days Remaining
“It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like
someone, and a day to love someone... but it takes a lifetime to forget
Well, it finally seems to be happening.
When I first started this blog, I worried that I would meet some amazing guy who would make me want to break my dating fast and run straight into his arms. I thought there was a distinct possibility that I wouldn't be strong enough to make it through the full year, or, at the very least, that I would have something interesting to blog about as I struggled with my feelings. As time went on, I was surprised that I hadn't met anyone who seemed interested in me - I mean, come on, is it that apparent that I am not available that no one even asks me out? Way to make a girl feel desirable. After I put aside my own insecurity about it, I thought, oh well; at least I won't have a difficult time making it to the end if there is no temptation for the entire year.
Temptation might not, for me, be what other people may assume it would be. I don`t watch trailers for Magic Mike and get all hungry for a man to strip for me. I don`t see a good-looking gentleman walking down the street and drool over him, ogle him, or imagine grabbing him and throwing him to the ground. I haven`t even had issues with seeing attractive fellow students at college and wondering if I could get them to like me. Simply put, I haven`t had the time nor the inclination to really deal too much with real people. For me, the temptation is just to think about being held by someone, or being smiled at by someone, or getting a text message that curls my toes. I push aside those thoughts because I know that they could lead to me thinking those thoughts about someone in particular.
But now, so much for that: I think I am developing a crush on someone.
Along with the lovely rush of imaginings that come with this type of interest in a man come many others: suddenly, nine more months sounds a lot longer than it did a few weeks ago: the days that have passed are all at once not as important as all the days yet to come. As much as I want to keep my resolve and continue my dating hiatus, I also am facing the inevitable thoughts that I knew I would face: What does he think of me taking a year off dating? Does he like me, too? Would he wait for me? Would he expect me to stop the sabbatical?
I am also finding myself immediately thinking all the things that I usually think at the beginning of a relationship, brushing aside possible red flags, looking for a connection. This is not how I want to be. I want to make sure that I am myself, and that people I meet will be impressed with what shines out from me rather than what I put on. I want to be strong and sure of myself and have that solid foundation before I embark on something with another man. But oh, it is getting difficult, because I start remembering how much I love that feeling of belonging to someone. I think about what it would be like to know that someone loves me, and to be able to give those feelings back and do things to show my love.
And oh my word, I think about kissing.
Kissing. It`s so amazing, isn't it? I mean, good kissing. I've always been a person who loves to just kiss and kiss and kiss...making out can last hours as far as I am concerned. Now that I`ve gone for so long without a kiss I swear I have moments when I`m looking at every male`s lips and wondering what they would feel like. As I`m getting to know this man I am feeling more comfortable around him and my thoughts have strayed in that direction, although I work hard to stop them. I haven`t yet gotten to the point where I am imagining being kissed by him - those "fullness- and softness-of-lip" analyses have yet to happen - but if things continue in the vein that they are currently going, I am sure I will be going to sleep dreaming of the moment my lips are touched by a man`s lips again for the first time in what feels like forever...and all the other reactions associated with kissing that happen in the body...Okay, okay...I have to stop thinking about the kissing.
For the most part I imagine being touched with love - just those little moments like a hand on the shoulder or an arm around me; a sweet hug; even - perish the thought - a little pat on the backside. There is such a huge part of me that longs for that physical expression. Like I said, I'm not having a difficult time restricting my temptations at the moment, and I am not head over heels, but I feel that I am getting closer and closer to a crush on this particular individual.
My choice is to allow things to grow as they may, and to continue working on my foundation. I am not able to stop having daily interactions with this man - we are in relatively close proximity every day, so it might be a challenge. Although I know I still have almost nine months to go, part of me loves
feeling it and doesn`t want to let it go, but I know I have to be so careful not to let it explode into another mistake. I know that I do not want to break the dating hiatus, and I do not want to choose the wrong partner yet again. I hope I can stay strong.