Sunday, 25 November 2012

Stu is a Force to Be Reckoned With

Day 108
257 Days Remaining

Walked into church this morning, and wouldn't you know it, Stu was there.  I hadn't seen him in a couple of months, so it was a pleasant surprise to see his smiling face.  We gave each other a big hug and he joined me and my young son in our customary row.

It's very interesting to me how things have gone between Stu and myself - I know he wasn't ready for a relationship, and I know that my heart was already moving back toward HB while Stu and I were winding up our courtship, but even if it's been weeks since I've seen the guy, something strange happens as soon as I am back in his presence.  He sat down beside me on my right, and I swear, it's as though my spirit is drawn to him: I actually felt something inside me pulling toward him.  The guy is like one huge magnet.  It takes everything I can do to stop myself from leaning my head on his shoulder or putting a hand on his.

This always happens with him!  I remember so well when we were courting and we would attend church together; it felt so natural for me to want to put a hand on his knee or rub his back when he leaned forward, and I would try so hard to resist because I didn't want him to be uncomfortable or for people in our church to see the way I touched him as a sign that we were more physically involved than we were.  There were times when I would hold his hand in church and that would be the most natural thing for me, but I knew that any physical aspect of our relationship was still so new and uncomfortable for him.  And if it wasn't comfortable for him then, when we were actually seeing each other, I can't imagine how he would react if I would lean into him or touch his arm or leg while we listen to the sermon together now.

It got me to thinking, as I struggled against following the lead of this spirit inside me that was pulling as close to Stu as it could possibly get, about why I have such a hard time waiting for the man that is right for me.  I forget about this huge draw that Stu has for me when I am not around him, but it's like everything inside me is reaching for him when he is there.  Is it because there is something inside me that recognizes him as the right man (at least, the right kind of man), or is it because I still find him so attractive that when I see him, I want him again?  I don't believe that it's the fact of Stu's attractiveness to me, because although I do definitely see him as being very attractive (and his eyes are blue...I had forgotten!), the feeling that I have toward him - this tremendous draw toward him - is not lustful or even physical.  It really does feel as though my soul is pulling toward his, and while it`s fascinating (funny how I sat in church and pondered the physiological side of what was happening, while at the same time the pastor was giving a sermon on being equally yoked!), it`s also confusing.  Because if I can feel such a pull toward this man, how is possible that I can forget about him when I am not seeing him or talking with him?
The thing is, I don't know who "YOU" are yet.
When Stu and I were seeing each other, the idea of getting together with another man - even HB - never crossed my mind, because I had such a strong sense that this was the right thing for me and I knew I was waiting for something that would be wonderful and right.  Stu's hesitation frustrated me a little, but I had such patience with waiting for any physical expression in the relationship and had eyes for no other guy, because I felt that this was how it was supposed to be.  So why, when Stu and I are no longer seeing each other, is it harder for me to be patient for the right man to come along?

It kind of reiterated to me that this next nine months (or 257 days, to be precise) are the perfect time to get myself ready for whoever will eventually be in my life.  Just because there isn`t already a man in my life who I am waiting to be physical with, as I was doing while Stu and I were seeing each other, that doesn`t mean that I should conduct myself any differently than I did then.  There is someone I am waiting to be physical with - to be more than physical with: to be physically and emotionally and spiritually entwined...I just don't yet know who he is yet.  Just because I can`t see him and I am not aware that he is the one I will be with doesn't mean that I shouldn't be just as content to wait for him.  And who knows: who's to say it won`t be Stu, after all?  Maybe he will be at the right place by then.


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