24 Days Remaining
So you know how I was saying in my last blog post that I wished that I could just relax and have the same faith in God when it comes to my relationships as I do when it comes to financial and other matters? That's something I've been praying for over the past few months, especially as I've been able to view my dating history through the lens of this hiatus and blog. The thing is, I think for a while I was able to do that...I just forgot. I also think that God answered my prayers long ago when I was asking him who He has for me...and again: I just quite simply forgot.
I also mentioned a while ago that I'm asking God for patience. This is the hardest thing for me. I also keep forgetting that just because something didn't work out when I originally had it in my head that it was going to, that doesn't mean that's the end of it forever. What's that saying: "Sometimes God's answer isn't Yes or No...sometimes His answer is Wait." Well, I waited, but I guess at some point I decided that I'd had enough waiting. Or perhaps I thought that enough time had passed that the answer was actually No, when instead, it was still that: Wait.
So does waiting mean sit at home and don't date anyone? Does it mean focus on someone who may or may not be the one for me and then just wait for him to figure out whether he wants me or not? Or does it mean to pray, and to trust that it will be made known to me when the right man is in my life, and then to wait until the relationship grows?
A while back, I was seeing someone. He was important to me. I loved spending time with him. I was finally in the headspace where I was ready to ask God to show me the right man for me, and as I left this man's house after an evening of hanging out together, I sat in my car and I earnestly, openly prayed: "God, is this the man that you have for me?"
The weirdest thing happened, and it's not something that has ever happened before or since: It was as though I had been struck in the heart. The certainty that I felt at that moment gave me such clarity and resolve as I felt a definite and distinct answer reverberate through me: It was a loud, clear, and emphatic YES.
I was so surprised at the physical shock to my heart and at having an answer that I started laughing. Then the thought of having a relationship with this man made me laugh harder, with delight and happiness. The excitement of our tentative relationship suddenly becoming something so obviously right had me laughing so hard that I started crying. I drove down the darkened street, tears flying from my eyes as I simultaneously bawled and shouted with the joy and certainty that I felt. Struck by lightning is the closest way I can describe that feeling, and the exultation that came afterward as I babbled aloud: "God, is this really you telling me this? I am so scared that I just want it so badly that I'm making things up in my mind...Please let it be true...Please give me the patience...Please let us share this." I didn't know if it was as real as it felt, and I was frightened that I was putting the thoughts into my head on my own. Maybe I was. But it felt so real and deep, this sudden complete knowledge that this man was the one that I will eventually marry. The experience was such a hard-hitting one that I was certain it would stick with me and continue to assure me and give me further patience.
In the past few weeks, as I`ve been praying for God to bring me back to this place of trusting in Him, He suddenly brought back to me a distinct memory of the feeling I had that day in the car, and how I felt so certain that He had answered my prayer. I`ve been struggling to understand why I felt it so strongly if it wasn`t what was meant to be, as well as having such a hard time with how I could possibly have buried the memory that now comes back so strongly and intensely.
And at the same time that this memory came back into my mind, this man came back into my life.
Little by little he has been inching in, surprising me with his interest and the apparent change in his ability to move toward any kind of commitment, and little by little I have come to realize that maybe - just maybe - the answer that day in the car really was from God...but I had ignored the little addendum that I had to wait. Yes, this is the man for you...but it will take time, and you will have to learn patience. I believe that in this past year, as I have learned so much more about myself, and began to actively ask for patience and for the man who is meant to be mine to be revealed to me, my prayers are beginning to be answered. The man whom I thought I no longer had a chance with is suddenly in my life, very definitively, and showing me in so many ways that he has changed as well, and we might just be back on the track that I thought I had to let go of. Neither of us were ready back then. Our relationship ended, and I thought that was it: my last chance with him was gone. But really, it was just that I needed to take more time and have more patience as I waited. Life had a lot more distractions to throw at each of us. All the things I`ve been pondering for the last few months, all the possibilities and all the things I had to work through - it feels as though they were just things getting in the way, but in other ways they have helped me to be more ready for this moment when he has come back to me. Perhaps there are a lot more obstacles that we will have to go through before we end up together, but I have faith that this is the man I am supposed to end up with. I have so much faith in this that I am writing it here for everyone to read (and don't think that's not a scary thing to do - it is)!
I am hopeful; I am excited; and I am looking forward to the end of this dating hiatus so that I can see where we both are at and what will happen between us when I have fulfilled this yearlong commitment. Maybe it will take a lot more time - I really, really hope that I don't forget again, and that I take whatever time I need to take to wait for God's timing. In the meantime, I am praying for this man and for his heart, because I know that if there is still hesitation on his part, he needs to find peace before we can make this happen. I look back on the prayer I wrote years ago when I first wrote my MoG (Man of God) List, a prayer for my future husband, and it fits so well for what both he and I need right now. I pray again now, for him and for myself: Give him joy in place of fear, give him strength in place of worry...I ask for patience as I wait, and praise You for the joy I believe You will bring me, in Your time.